Quotes
Friends is a sitcom about a group of friends in New York City that was originally broadcast from 1994 to 2004. It was created by David Crane and Marta Kauffman, and produced by Kevin S. Bright, Marta Kauffman and David Crane. Season 1 'The One Where It All Began' 1.01 Ross: Oh no, no. Stop cleansing my aura. Phoebe: But... Ross: No. Just leave my aura alone, okay? Phoebe: Fine... be murky. Ross: I'll be fine. Really, you guys, I hope she'll be very happy. Monica: No, you don't. Ross: No, I don't! To hell with her! She left me! Joey: You never knew she was a lesbian? Ross: No! Okay? Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know. How should I know? Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. looks at him Did I say that out loud? ---- Rachel: excited Guess what? Ross: You got a job? Rachel: Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed out of twelve interviews today. Chandler: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat. Rachel: Well, you would be too if you found Joan and David boots on sale, fifty percent off. Chandler: Oh, how well you know me. 'The One With The Sonogram At The End' 1.02 Chandler: I think, for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean, it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out. Ross: Yeah, and — and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that — that... that's not... why we bought the ticket. Chandler: You see, the problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again. Y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically, just trying to stay awake. Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone. Joey: Are we still talking about sex? ---- Rachel: You're a twin? Phoebe: Oh, yeah. We don't speak. She's, like, this...high-powered, driven, career type. Chandler: What does she do? Phoebe: She's a waitress. 'The One With The Thumb' 1.03 Phoebe: There's five hundred extra dollars in my account. Chandler: Oh! Satan's minions at work again. Phoebe: Yes, coz I have to go down there and deal with them. Joey: What are you talking about? Keep it! Phoebe: It's not mine! I didn't earn it. If I kept it, it would be like stealing! Rachel: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping! ---- finds something in her can of soda. Ross: A thumb? Joey: Ewwww! Phoebe: I know, I know. I opened it up, and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker. Chandler: Maybe it's a contest, you know, like, "collect all five." The One With George Stephanopoulos 1.04 Monica: Hey Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent? Joey: Probably kill myself. Monica: Excuse me? Joey: Hey, if little Joey's dead, then I've got no reason to live. Ross: Joey, om''nipotent. '''Joey': You are? ---- opens her first paycheck. Rachel: Isn't this exciting! I earned this! I wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it was totally... not worth it. Who's FICA? Why's he getting all my money? Rachel: Phoebe? Phoebe: Hmm? Rachel: Who is George Snuffleupagus? Phoebe: He's Big Bird's best friend. (laughs) 'The One With The East German Laundry Detergent' 1.05 Ross: It's amazing, okay? You just reach in there, there's one little maneuver, and bam! a bra right out the sleeve. All right? As far as I'm concerned, there is nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right? Rachel: Come on! You guys can pee standing up. Chandler: We can? All right, I'm trying that. ---- and Phoebe both get ready to break up with their significant others. Phoebe: This is nice. We never do anything just the two of us. Chandler: It's great. Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some puppies. 'The One With The Butt' 1.06 [The gang watches Joey's performance in ''Freud!, a local musical.]'' Joey: Well, Eva, we've done some excellent work here, and I would have to say, your problem is quiiite clear. singing ::All you want is a dingle, ::What you envy's a schwang, ::A thing through which you can tinkle, ::To play with, or simply let hang! ---- Monica: What? So you guys don't mind going out with someone else who's going out with someone else? Joey: I couldn't do it. Monica: Good for you, Joey. Joey: When I'm with a woman, I need to know that I'm going out with more people than she is. 'The One With The Blackout' 1.07 Phoebe: singing ::New York City has no power ::And the milk is getting sour ::But to me it is not scary ::'Cause I stay away from dairy. ---- Chandler: You know, on second thought, gum would be perfection. gives him a stick of gum, and a strange look. Chandler: Gum would be perfection'? 'Gum would be perfection.' Could have said 'gum would be nice,' or 'I'll have a stick,' but no, no, no, no. For me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself. 'The One Where Nana Dies Twice' 1.08 Chandler: [after being told by everyone he makes a gay first impression] So... what is it about me? Monica: I don't know....You...you have a quality. Everyone: Yeah. Absolutely. A quality. Chandler: Oh, oh, a quality! Good, because I was worried you guys were gonna be vague about this. ---- grandmother woke up from being "dead" and then died. Jack Geller: She may have died. Aunt Lillian: She may have died? Jack Geller: We're looking into it. 'The One Where Underdog Gets Away' 1.09 Ross: Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian. Susan: Yeah, you know, you have to take a course, otherwise they don't let you do it. ---- Ross: [talks to the unborn baby in Carol's abdomen] And everyone's telling me, "You gotta pick a major, you gotta pick a major." So on a dare, I picked paleontology. And you have no idea what I'm saying because, let's face it, you're a fetus. You're just happy you don't have gills any more! 'The One With The Monkey' 1.10 Phoebe: singing: ::I made a man with eyes of coal and a smile so bewitchin' ::How was I supposed to know that my mom was dead in the kitchen? ::La lalala laaa la lala La lalala la la... ::Lapse, everyone is totally depressed by now ::My mother's ashes, even her eyelashes, are resting in a little yellow jar. ::And sometimes, when it's breezy, I feel a little sneezy... ---- Rachel: So I'll be just as pathetic as the rest of you. Phoebe: Yeah, you wish. 'The One With Mrs. Bing' 1.11 hands out copies of her steamy romance novel draft to the gang. Rachel: Oh, and — and on page 2, he's not reaching for her heaving beasts. Monica: What's a niffle? Joey: You can usually find them on the heaving beasts. Rachel: All right, all right, all right. So I'm not a great typist… Ross: Wait! Did you get to the part about "his huge, throbbing pens"? Well, yeah, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those! Phoebe: I just got to the part about "her public hair." ---- Chandler: What are you guys doing out here? Ross: Uh... uh... Well, Joey and I had discussed getting in an early morning racquetball game. But, um, apparently, somebody overslept. Joey: Yeah, well, you don't have your racket. Ross: No, no I don't, because it's being restrung. Somebody was supposed to bring me one. Joey: Yeah, well you didn't call and leave your grip size. Chandler: Okay, you guys spend way too much time together. 'The One With The Dozen Lasagnas' 1.12 Joey: Ross, did you really read all these baby books? Ross: Yup! You could plunk me down in the middle of any woman's uterus, no compass, and I can find my way out of there like [snaps fingers] that. Joey: Hey! Ross, listen, you know that right now, your baby's only this big? (measures about 2 inches with his thumb and index finger) This is your baby. (in baby-like voice) Hi Daddy! Ross:(waves) Hello! Joey: (in baby-like voice) How come you don't live with Mommy? (pause; shows Ross less than amused) How come Mommy lives with that other lady? (pause; Ross still looks less than amused; Joey smiling) What's a lesbian? (playfully hits Ross) ---- Ross: Wasn't it supposed to be just a fling, huh? Shouldn't it be... flung by now? 'The One With The Boobies' 1.13 Ross: Wait, what were you doing seeing her boobies? Chandler: Look, it was an accident! It wasn't like I was across the street with a telescope and a box of doughnuts! ---- Ross: All right, all right. We're all adults here. There's only one way to resolve this. Since you saw her boobies, I think, uh, you're gonna have to show her your pee-pee. Chandler: You know, I don't see that happening. Rachel: C'mon, he's right. Tit for tat. Chandler: Well, I'm not showing you my tat. ---- Rachel: You are supposed to be in there so i can see your "thing"!!. Chandler: Sorry. My "thing" was in there with me. 'The One With The Candy Hearts' 1.14 Chandler: Oh, man. In my next life I'm coming back as a toilet brush! ---- Janice: I brought you something. Chandler: Is it loaded? 'The One With The Stoned Guy' 1.15 Chandler: Can you see my nipples through this shirt? Rachel: No. But don't worry, I'm sure they're still there. ---- Ross: Hey guys, does anybody know a good date place in the neighborhood? Joey: How about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free. Ross: Hey, does anyone know a good place if you're not dating a puma? 'The One With Two Parts, Part 1' 1.16 Phoebe: why she and her twin sister Ursula don't get along It’s mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know. I mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know... Oh, oh, she was the first one to start walking. Even though I did it, later that same day. But to my parents, by then it was like, "Yeah, right, so what else is new?" ---- the [[w:Lamaze|Lamaze] class, mother-to-be Carol panics after seeing a videotaped birth.] Ross: Everything's going to be all right. Carol: What do you know?! No one's going up to you and saying, "Hi! Is that your nostril? Mind if we push this POT ROAST THROUGH IT?!?!" 'The One With Two Parts, Part 2' 1.17 Ross: I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid. Chandler and Joey: That's nice. Ross: No, no. With him. I'm on this field, and they... they hike me the baby. And I know I've gotta do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defense is coming right at me. Joey: Tampa Bay's got a terrible team. Ross: Right, but it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinking' they can take us. ---- Chandler: Okay, worst case scenario. Say you never feel like a father. Ross: Uh-huh. Chandler: Say your son never feels connected to you, as one. Say all of his relationships are affected by this. Ross: Do you have a point? Chandler: You know, you'd think I would. 'The One With All The Poker' 1.18 Rachel: Can you believe what a jerk Ross was being? Monica: Yeah, I know. He can get really competitive. Phoebe: Ha, ha, ha! Monica: What? Phoebe: "Oh, hello, kettle? This is Monica. You're black." ---- [The gang is playing poker.] Rachel: I will see you... and I'll raise you. What do you say... want to waste another buck? Ross: No, not this time. folds So what'd you have? Rachel: I'm not telling. Ross: Come on, show them to me. reaches for her cards. Rachel covers them up Rachel: No! Ross: Show them to me! Rachel: Get your hands out of there! No! Ross: Let me see! Show them! Chandler: You know, I've had dates like this. ---- Ross: Your money is mine, Green! Rachel: Your fly is open, Geller! ---- Phoebe: You guys, Joker is Poker with a J! Coincidence? Chandler:Hey, that's Joincidence with a C! 'The One Where The Monkey Gets Away' 1.19 Joey: All right, all right. You're a monkey. You're loose in the city. Where do you go? Chandler: Okay, it's his first time out, so he's probably gonna wanna do some of the touristy things. I'll go to Cats, you go to The Russian Tea Room. ---- Samantha: Do you know anything about fixing radiators? Joey: Um, sure! Did you, uh, did you try turning the knob back the other way? Samantha: Of course. Joey: Oh. Then no. 'The One With The Evil Orthodontist' 1.20 Chandler: I got her machine. Joey: Her answering machine? Chandler: No. Interestingly enough, her leaf-blower picked up. ---- Joey': Mr. Peanut is a better dresser. I mean he's got the monocle, he's got the top hat... Phoebe: You know he's gay? Ross: I just wanna clarify this: Are you outing Mr. Peanut? 'The One With The Fake Monica' 1.21 Rachel': Monica, would you calm down? The credit card people said that you only have to pay for the stuff that you bought. Monica: Still... it's just such reckless spending. Ross: I think when someone steals your credit card, they've kind of already thrown caution to the wind. Chandler: Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop. Monica: That was me. ---- Joey: My agent thinks I should have a name that's more neutral. Chandler: Joey... Switzerland? 'The One With The Ick Factor' 1.22 Ross': I can't believe you two had sex in her dream. Chandler: I'm sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and it was someone else's subconscious. ---- Chandler: Oh, come on. You told me about the last dream. Rachel: No, forget it. Chandler: Oh, why not. Was I doing anything particularly... saucy? Rachel: All right, fine. Um, you were not the only one there... Joey was there, too. Joey: All right! Ross: Was there... uh, huh, huh, huh... anybody, anybody else there? Rachel: No. Ross: You're sure? Nobody uh, handed out, uh, mints or anything? Rachel: No, it was just the three of us. Ross: Huh! Joey: So, tell me. Was it, like, you and Chandler, and then you and me, or you and me and Chandler? Rachel laughing: You know what? Joey laughing: What? Rachel laughing: There were times when it wasn't even me. and Joey laugh until they look at each other Phoebe: That is so sweet, you guys. them ---- Chandler founds out that everyone at work hates him. Phoebe: Don´t feel bad. You know they used to like you a lot. But then you got promoted, and, you know, now you´re like "Mr. Boss Man". You know, Mr. Bing. Mr. Bing, "Boss Man Bing". Chandler: I can´t believe it. Phoebe: Yeah, yeah. They even do you. Chandler: They do me? Phoebe: You know like... uh okay... uh... 'Could that report BE any later?' Chandler: I don´t sound like that. Ross: Oh, oh Chandler... Joey: Oh... Yeah, you do. Ross: 'The hills were alive with the sound.. OF music.' Joey: for hi scones My scones. Phoebe, Joey & Ross: 'MY scones.' Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs again] '''Chandler: Okay, I don´t sound like that. That is so not true. and Chandler laughs Chandler: That is so NOT... That is so NOT... That... Oh, shut up! Joey and Ross laughs 'The One With The Birth' 1.23 Phoebe: singing :: They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch, :: Soon they'll grow up and resent you so much. :: Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why, :: You cry and you cry and you cry. :: And you cry and you cry and you cry... gives Phoebe a dollar Phoebe: Thanks, Ross! Ross: Yeah. I'm paying you to stop. ---- Chandler: All right. I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have a baby? Monica: Why won't I be married when I'm 40? Chandler: Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically. Monica: Okay, "hypothetically", why won't I be married when I'm 40? Chandler: Uh... Uh.... Monica: What is it, is there something fundamentally un-marry-able about me? Well? Chandler: Dear God, this parachute is a knapsack! 'The One Where Rachel Finds Out' 1.24 tells the group about his participation in a fertility study. Joey: I mean, I just go down there every other day and… make my contribution to the project. Hey, hey — but at the end of two weeks, I get 700 dollars! Phoebe: Wow! Ooh, you're going to be making money hand-over-fist! ---- [Chandler and Joey are talking like cavemen.] Chandler: Men are here. Joey: We make fire. Cook meat. Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing. No get invited back. Season 2 'The One With Ross' New Girlfriend' 2.01 and Julie have just arrived from China Julie: We've gotta get some sleep. Ross: Yeah, it's really 6:00 tomorrow night our time. Chandler: Well, listen, don't tell us what's gonna happen though, 'cause I like to be surprised. ---- and Julie have just arrived from China Julie: We've gotta get some sleep. Ross: Yeah, it's really 6:00 tomorrow night our time. Chandler: Well, listen, don't tell us what's gonna happen though, 'cause I like to be surprised. ---- Joey: I've been with my share of women. In fact, I've been with like a lot of people's share of women. ---- Rachel: When I saw them at the airport, I thought I hit rockbottom, but today its like, rock bottom, 50 feet of crap and then me. Category:Friends